Self Love as a Coaching Tool for Change

Love is in the air, or so I am told by the abundance of red hearts as I go about my shopping.

And I have been pondering the power that love has on us as humans to do extraordinary things for the benefit of those we love. Yet when it comes to making changes in our own lives, we seem to will ourselves forward with hatred and wonder why it all feels hard rather than extraordinary.

Let me explain.

Often, we get to a point in our lives where we say “enough”. A point at which you say things need to change; I cannot continue like this.

We look around at the evidence of our lives not so well lived, and can dwell on the negative impact it is having on us. We approach change, then, through the lens of negativity… I don’t want to be… I don’t want to do… I don’t want to have… I hate….

In coaching, we call this the push of motivation. It pushes us to identify the problem, creates a strong emotional reaction, and can drive us to seek a solution.

However, one problem that can arise is staying stuck in a negative, hateful viewpoint, trying to hate ourselves into being a better person, and focusing only on what isn’t working; we remain trapped in negativity. This, in my mind, is a fundamental flaw. This mindset can create a loop where we repeatedly fall back into old habits and nothing truly changes.

As coaches, we need to move clients out of the push of motivation and into exploring who they want to be. How do they show up? And in relation to love, how do they love themselves and their life? What does it allow them to do, to be, to have? We call this the pull of motivation, where we work towards our vision with love.

I firmly believe that when we hold ourselves in a spirit of love, compassion follows our choices. It allows us to ask: Is this serving me, nourishing me, nurturing me?

We can make change through a calmer, more regulated nervous system when we embrace the concept of loving ourselves well.

Yet what this does require is the ability to receive love.

And many of us can struggle with the ability to receive, although we often love to give.

We give to others as we want to please, to be useful… in essence, giving can satisfy our human needs for validation, connection, and contribution, and consequently raise our self-esteem. Whilst there is nothing wrong with giving, what happens when we want to give and nobody wants to receive? It makes giving almost irrelevant. We cannot do one without the other. And our happiness depends upon the receiver of our gift.

How this looks when coaching yourself to change through the lens of love: you have to receive the love you are giving.

So I ask you, how can you approach the changes you want to make from a place of love?

We share more reflections on self-love, coaching, and meaningful change here.